found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
