You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize