took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Can I color on your dick again?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
