The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
