that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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