So drunk its hurt
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
