I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
