My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
