I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I love having hate sex.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
