So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
