Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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