Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
