the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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