Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
