I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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