Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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