I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
