i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
How external is "for external use only"?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
