Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
