drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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