i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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