you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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