I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
