I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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