I met the friendliest cop last night
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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