porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
