I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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