flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
how do flat chested girls get laid?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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