My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
its not stalking. its research.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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