I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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