I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
