i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
