ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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