Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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