he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
