Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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