I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
