I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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