I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
