I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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