he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
