you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
