Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
this beer tastes like vomit already
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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