I didn't shave. On purpose
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
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