I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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