dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
