Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
