I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
