Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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