I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
