There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
