Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
