I feel like abortions should bother me more
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
