It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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