I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
