Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize