I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
