I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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